I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
You Might Also Like
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!