Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
This was a bad idea all around
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”