ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Them: Just act casual
Me:
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”