I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
You Might Also Like
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Coffee for people with no kids
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.