TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
sensitive skin
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Saw your ex at the shops
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
This is a whole mood;
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser