*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.