Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*