i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
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Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
scrabbled eggs
yeah not falling for this one
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.