*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
me before I type out affect or effect
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Based Erika
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.