Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
congratulations to them
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”