Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box