we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw