My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?