[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*