SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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what does he know…
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
What a website
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.