If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
You Might Also Like
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
no cat here
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy