what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang