bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
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*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Pretty much. 🤣
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance