I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
haha same
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?