i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
If you know, you know
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.