2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Schrödinger’s cookie
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year