*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50