[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.