– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.