there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.