Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Smooooooth
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.