I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.