Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.