My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
ouch