Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.