I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.