[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
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Beware of fowl play.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?