Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.