Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.