This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER