Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
You Might Also Like
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them