Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You Might Also Like
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.