GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You Might Also Like
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Every time.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.