Mission Impossible…πππ
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ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a βfunβ talk?
Me: not for you
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
βDude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?β
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I love how Hasbroβs Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like βoh my gosh Iβm so ugly!β And people are like βyes. But we love you!β ππ€£
Type out βMy best quality isβ and then let predictive text finish it! Iβll start
βMy best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despairβ haha so random
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Iβm fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I donβt need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me Iβm baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
When Iβm mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.