Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
when you order from DoorDastardly
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.