#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.