Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa