Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”