Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
scared to check what name she chose
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]