The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
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A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog