Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”