*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”