Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
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Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.