Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
that’s really how it is
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave