[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas